Desperate Actions
by XanderLuvsAll
Summary: Dean and Castiel deal with  Gabriel's death and grief causes both of them to  desperate actions


Desperate Actions

11th Nov, 2011 at 11:11 PM

The first thing Cas did after they recovered from Peslinence little sickness was ask where Gabriel was. It wasn't like him to leave them alone for any true amount of time, escipally when they were hunting. Not to mention Cas can't understand why Gabe hadn't come to get him instead of him having to ride the horrid bus. Sam looks at the devasted Dean and knows his brother won't be able to explain to his lover that their lover was dead. So Sam brings Cas away and tells him all that had happened while Dean leaves and goes to get drunk. Dean knew it was cowardly and hurtful not to be the one to etll Cas, to leave it to his little bother like a douche but he can't. He just can't relive that moment, not even to tell Cas. Worse of all, when Dean had seen Cas for the first time since it had happened, all he could think of was:Why was Cas here but not Gabriel? It was wrong but...Why did God bring Cas back but not Gabriel. Why wasn't hs other lover playing some trick on Sammy or trying to get him into bed? Why was he dead? How would Dean ever recover from losing Gabriel? What was Dean going to do now?

Upon returning to the motel, Dean found a grief stricken Cas just staring at the..sword that Dean had kept after going back to the motel and burning Gabriel's body. The sword that still had Gabriel's blood on it. The sword that had stolen him form them forever. The sword that the bastard Lucifer had stolen from Gabriel then used it to kill him and Dean couldn't even kill him to get vengance. Not without saying Yes to Michael and while he was tempting, beyond tempting so he could make Lucifer pay for the loss that was ripping him apart. Dean couldn't as he knew what Gabriel would have done to him for even contemplating saying Yes to Michael because of him or for any other reason. After Mystery Ink and their becoming lovers again, this time with Cas in their bed as well, Gabriel had been fiercely opposed to even the discusion of the Yes word. Hell, upon fidning out what Dean had almost done after killing the Whore,Gabriel had been more furoius then Cas and Cas had beat the shit out of him for it. Gabriel would not lose his lover to his brother. So Dean would not betray his lover just to get vengance. Dean would use Gabriel's plan and hope that an eternity stuck in the Cage was enough of a revenge.

Cas looked up at Dean and the raw pain and grief in his eyes took Dean's breath away and almsot caused him to fall to the floor when his legs almost gave out. That noght they spent wrapped around each other and cried while both of them felt the loss, the empty space that Gabriel should be. The space that was always meant for him when they were together. It just wasn't the same and they both knew that it wasn't the same and never would be again.

The following days were filled with the same as they each tried to grasp how to be with each other without Gabriel there and they each failed. Nothing was the same without their third. What was a Triad without the third person. the two of them by themselves simply did not...click. When Sam came up with the Yes idea to get Lucifer in the Cage, Dean put up a token protest as he was simply to tired, too hurt and to..empty. Famine had called him empty months before he had lost Gabriel and Dean couldn't help but to wonder what he would call him now. Dead. It sure felt like it, like there was nothing in himnow but the desire to see Gabriel's killer suffer. Dean finally and compltly nderstood his fatehr now and there was nothing he wouldn't do to not understamd. Even Death looked at him with sympathy and that truly told Dean all he needed to know about how truly patheic he really was.

Add to the fact was how distant Cas and him were, as if they were no longer lovers but strangers that had once shared something signafact but were now nothing. Dean didn't know how to savalge any of it and sadly didn't truly care. Without Gabriel, Dean couldn't seem to find any will to fix his life or his relantionship with Cas. So much so that finally, Dean stopped even bothering to try. It was easier to just let Cas sleep alone while he drank in Sam's room, which he had been getting since Gabriel joined them. He would drink while watching his brother sleep, trying not to think about the gun on the table and how easy it would be to just pick it up and pull the trigger. It would be the end. The only thing preventing him from doing it was the fact that it wouldn't be the end. Adam or not, there wasn't a doubt in his mind that if Dean were 'delivered' to Michael that he wouldn't  
>be tortured into saying Yes faster than you can say a.<p>

There was litterally no other reason though. He wanted to see Lucifer pay but at the end of the day, vengance would not truly make him happy. Nothing would save Gabriel's return to his, their, side. Death would be the only way to free Dean of the pain. In Heaven he would forget Gabriel was dead and live in the happy memories of their time togther as he had on his last trip up 'North.' That couldn''t happen until it was all over with though and he needed a way to end this. Anyway. So, when a plan came along. Well, it was accepatable. Sort of.

Staring at Sam, Dean finally agreed to the plan and everything went from that so quickly that it was like time was flying by. Sam talked to Dean before they went to face Lucifer and it wasn't fun for either of them.

"Dean, I know that after...Gabriel, you have basically left Cas and...I know what your planning after this is over...I just want you to be happy..If Cas can't make you happy anymore, then Lisa can...I need you to."

"Sam, you..Your a good hunter, you can take care of , you'll probably leave it again as you always have...I'm just  
>done. Gabriel is gone and Cas and I ...we just don't work. Gabriel was a part of us almost fromthe beggining and we don't exist without him...I'm ready for it to be over with. I'll wait to see Lucifer pay for waht he did as otherwise Michael would not allow me my peace but after..I'm done." Dean took a long swing from the whiskey bottle in his hand. He had admited to his plan, out loud for the first time and it felt freeing. Sam on the other hand looked like he had just shot him point blank in the back.<p>

The next hours were spent with Sam begging, pleading and finally threatening until somehow Dean ended up promising to try for happiness with Lisa before he did anything. Lisa had been his dream life before Gabriel and Cas had become his FUTURE. So if Sam didn't make it, he'd try to live before he did it. Dean knew he wouldn't be happy and would end up killing himself anyway so it was an easy promise to make. For Sam, he would try to be happy and for Gabriel he would fail utterly to be able to live without him.

# # # # #

Wathcing as Sam failed to overcome Lucifer was diffcult for Dean as now his lover's murderer was in his brother and he just.. couldn't handle it. Gabriel was gone, Sam was gone, even Cas was gone to the extent that Dean could not be with him

"How does it feel to kill your own little brother, you Goddamn son of a bitch."Lucifer turned to him, furious while also managing to twist Sam's face into a devasted grief rage mixture.

"You have no right to speak fo what you will never understand, you filthy little slug. Gabriel made his choice and for that he died. Killing my brother was not something that I intened but was forced upon me by him because of YOU. He forced me to kill him."

"No one can force you to do anything." Unknowingly echoing what Gabriel had said, which caused Lucfer to jerk away. Dean was so much like Michael but in an oddly intereting way so much like Gabriel. Lucifer truly did not know how to deal with the mortal who was so like the two brothers he loved more than any other. Enough so that he was unwilling to kill Dean. Not now, now with Gabriel so fresh in his mind and what he had done to his little brother, his favorite brother. Who he loved above all else, enough to fight his Father as he would not have his brother bow before humans. Of course in doing so he had lost his brother to his exile and then finally to his own hand.

"If we meet again, Dean, you will not like the outcome." With that Samifer was gone and Dean fell to his knees. He truly had nothing now.

Sometime later, Dean once again faced Samifer where it had all bgean. Lawrence. And where it would end. Here Cas had sent Michael away at the cost of his own life, making Dean's loss completle. The realization that Cas was enough, that his grief over Gabriel had made him forget how much he loved Cas as well. The knowlege that Cas died beliveing that he wasn't enoug for Dean was almost more devasting than his actual death. It wasn't true, Cas would have been enough if given time to heal but it was all to late and Cas had now joined Gabriel wherever angels go when they die and Dean was truly he truly had nothing left and so he was palnning something deperate. Instead of the peace he so desperatly longed for, he would get Hell. For while Samifer  
>was beating him up, Dean managed to pick the Devil's pocket and got the rings. He got the Cage open then in one swift move he sent the both of them hurling into it. At the last moment thoiugh, Sam managed to gain control and shoved Dean away. Sending him flying a good thirty feet with his new strength. Michael tried to stop the fall but misjudhed the grasp and was instead pulled in with.<p>

Leaving Dean bleeding, bruised, broken and alone in the cemetary that his mother was in and now had the remainns of his last lover,his pseudo father and the former opening to his brother's Hell. And...his gun. Dean looked at it nand it was perfect. Such a beautiul piece of weaponary that gaurnete his peave and his ablity to get away from all of this. Dean was done and he wasn't even going to bother to try to keep his promise to Sam. He knew it wasn't going to work anyway, Lisa was not going to make him want to live anymore than anything else possibly could. He was ready for it to be over.

Of course then was when Cas appeared and for one moment Dean thought that he was God. Who else could keep coming back like this. Of course if Cas was God then Dean was going to kill him for allowing their lover to stay dead. No, if Cas was God then Gabriel was Dean's lover. In no way woulD Dean allow Cas to have any connection to Gabriel after this betrayal after..Then Cas denied it and Dean knew that he was insene to even think it. Cas healed him and without Dean being aware, healed his mind to. Not to any great degree as that would get Dean's attention but enough thta Dena would no longer consder death a welcome action, healed  
>some of the grief and unknwn to Cas the realization Dean had upon Cas's own death. Then Bobby was back as well and they went to his place.<p>

On the road to Lisa's, Dean and Cas had their last goodbyes. Eack knowing that would not see each other again as it hurt to much to be together when just being in the same room reminded them of all that they had lost. Of the missing piece in their hearts, of the missing person in their bed. It was all just to much. Which is why Cas's last words as he flew home were.

"I'm sorry I was not enough, Dean." Dean could say nothing to the truth and even if he could deny it, there was no one to deny it to. Cas was going to be the Sheriff and Dean was going to keep his promise to Sam, though he couldn't quite remember why Dean had needed to make such a promise to his brother. There was something that he should remember, some plan that was fuzzy in his mind that he felt was important,also some realizaton that was seemingly screaming at him but...But it didn't matter. Dean was going to Lisa's and he would live his life as Sam wanted, free of the supernatural. Gabriel was dead and Cas had just left him forever so Dean truly had nothingh else to do. But to go to Lisa's and try to do the best he could.

So Dean drove to Lisa and a new start and Cas flew to Heaven, both unaware what devastion those two actions would cause in the years to come. And it would be even longer befroe they were faced with the realzation of how easy it could have all benn averted. If only certain actions hadn't been made.


End file.
